counting down

10 things I hate about you- (author's note: this is random, names have been withheld, and no offense meant. really.)

1. your inability to admit when you’re wrong or full of crap

2. excuses, excuses, excuses

3. your smoking. get a room already

4. your excessive questions and not-so-subtle prying

5. your excessive syrup and fakeness

6. lying by omission

7. how you excel at everything you do (kudos to you though)

8. your vanishing act

9. the distance after you got a boyfriend (yes, yes, I am happy for you)

10. how you’re just like my father

9 things I would like to believe

1. not all men lie

2. I will find my niche

3. she doesn’t hate me

4. no, my grandparents aren’t watching me from heaven

5. people can’t see through me

6. I’m an ok daughter (as opposed to bad, black sheep)

7. I don’t have worms, just a really good metabolism

8. I’m not that selfish

9. my work makes a difference. to some people

8 things about me

1. sarcasm

2. my mom, dogs & other animals

3. lately… odissi

4. nonchalance (I try)

5. writing

6. ze curls

7. Madras (no, not Chennai)

8. the zen

7 things I want to do before I die

1. right the wrongs and find out if she really hates me

2. write a novel (maybe several)

3. travel all over India

4. adopt a child

5. find out what ‘true love’ means

6. find a man who doesn’t lie to me and loves me

7. make my mother proud

6 things I’ve thought about today

1. I want to do more cover stories

2. why’s he suddenly being nice? hmm

3. I want six weeks to pass queeeeckly

4. it’s not poetry, it’s just pseudo prose

5. I want to go back to sleep

6. I have to buy gifts

5 things I love

1. odissi!!!!!!! even waking up at 5 am for it

2. my dog waking me up

3. being transported to another world by a good movie / book

4. being able to drive myself around

5. Bengali food

4 things I consciously avoid doing

1. saying ‘hee’

2. telling people I don’t like or barely know stuff about myself

3. using smileys. ugh

4. talking like the people I sms too much

3 things I splurge on

1. books

2. beer

3. er… does filling fuel count?

2 things that make me sad

1. my dogs’ deaths

2. never having enough time with Dadu and never having met my grandfather

1 thing I need more of

1. self control

compose

pure white, untouched paper.

I sit before it to talk to you,

since I can’t do it to your face.

what to say, how to say it.

all that come to me are images.

amidst the headache of heat and cold.

memories.

my palm over your face,

toes interlocked,

giggling at the feel of whiskers.

but the questions

unanswered haunt me

when I sleep.

my toes grow cold and lonely,

my fingers hurt from texting you.

great expectations.

where there is joy there is pain.

when I smile, I know I will cry later.

but not in front of you.

you once licked away the tears

and told me it would be alright.

I was not crying because of you.

now I am, and you’ll never know.

more images.

limbs entwined in the dark.

but it isn’t you and me.

more giggles.

a palm over your face.

toes interlocked.

notch, notch, notch.

I smirk.

what can I say?

now I have no expectations.

in the dark my toes are warm.

I sleep deep

so I can rise early

and live my dream.

but the paper remains white, virgin.

I can’t bear to touch it,

make it soiled like me.

you will misunderstand, twist,

make me cry more,

never forgive me.

pen shaking, I twist the lid back on.

and put the paper away.

my thoughts are composed

of things I cannot tell you.

entwined tongues,

heavy limbs,

the smell of your sweat

against me.

picking up my clothes,

I drive away quietly.

back to my work,

back to my life.

and you back to yours.

call when you want.

I keep my toes warm myself.

I giggle with other people,

people I had forgotten about

when I met you.

I wish I could be like the paper

I could not compose on.

white, pure, true.

true I can try to be now.

to myself and my dreams.

the composing is hard.

will leave it for tomorrow.

I leave you to your new notches.

slowly embedding myself

in my own life.

searching, finding,

answering, doing,

writing, expressing.

I will write to you tomorrow.

by then you will

already know.

I’m not me anymore.

I’m fang.

hear me roar.