it takes two

I walked into my best friend’s house, right past her mother and brother, into her room and sat on her bed. It was six in the morning so I had to shake her awake.

“Humflpilghsphugt.”

“Wake up. Anna. Anna. Anna!”

Mission accomplished. She blinked at me through quarter-open eyes and then tried to sit up. I braced myself for impact. It came, sure enough. I got whacked on my upper arm. From a friend who is a state-level squash player, that can hurt quite a bit.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?? Are you insane? This is why I bloody said I’d go with you! Why didn’t you call me yesterday, do you know how worried I was??”

I winced. In a matter of two seconds, her tone changed.

“Sweetie, are you ok? What happened there? Tell me..”

“I couldn’t do it.”

Silence. I heard a crow cawing outside her window. I was afraid she might try to stone it to death.

“What?” She had gone very quiet.

“I couldn’t do it.. I just couldn’t.”

She took a deep breath. “Ok. This is manageable. We can fix another appointment and I’ll take you there myself.. it’ll all be absolutely fine, don’t wor..”

“I don’t think I can do it.”

More silence.

“What’s wrong with you? You don’t really have a choice, do you?”

“I do! I can keep it! There are so many people who are desperately trying to have kids and can’t. In-vitro, taking temperatures, freezing eggs.. they do all sorts of shit! And I can just give them a baby!”

“Right. If that even is an option, what is going to happen to you?”

Before I could open my mouth to answer, she continued.

“You’re 16. Six-fucking-teen. And you’re in India. Your folks don’t even know you’ve done it!”

I heaved a great, big sigh. “I know, An. But I thought.. well. I donno. I went there and I was all riled up, ready to go through this. Then.. It occurred to me that this is actually a person. Will be a person. And I’m wiping it off the face of the Earth because I was irresponsible and too chicken-shit to do anything but that. I mean.. what if this is the next Gandhi?!”

She gave me a supremely skeptical look.

“I mean.. this is someone’s best friend, first lover, someone’s life partner and parent that I’m wiping off forever! It’s a goddamn person!” I was very high-pitched by then. Anna would have normally shushed me but she was pacing and biting her lower lip.

“So. What would you like to do? Have you told your idiot boyfriend?”

“No. Obviously he’ll freak the fuck out. He’s 19 and slept with a minor and got her pregnant. So…”

I heard a dog barking. It was barking at a bawling baby. The universe could not have been clearer.

“Listen. We’ll do something. I’ll skip this year at school or something. I’ll talk to my parents. If they disown me… well, they won’t. They love me too much. I just… I’m keeping this baby. I mean, till it pops out. Then it can go wherever it wants to. Or the gods want it to. But… I can’t kill it. I… I just can’t…”

“Oh sweetie, don’t cry. I may slap you, I’m so stressed out. I’m sorry that I maybe being a bitch but… I’m just worried for you. You’re so smart and cool and this could ruin your life.”

“It won’t. I know it won’t.”

“Annnnnaaaaaaa!”

“Wait. Mom’s probably worried cos’ we’re yelling. I’ll be right back.”

Once she had left, I sat down on the edge of her bed. I was scared out of my wits. I didn’t know what I was doing and maybe she was right. I hated my emotions and hormones. Obviously they would tell me to keep it, that’s what they called maternal instinct. Or something.

I put my hand on my lower abdomen, close to where my jeans were buttoned. I couldn’t wear those for much longer. It had already been two months.

While I was deep in thought, trying to calm myself down, Anna’s brother walked in. I didn’t even notice. When his hand landed gently on my shoulder, I jumped and squealed.

“Nikhil! You scared the shit out of me.”

“Are you okay?”

I paused. Could I be honest with him? Would he also freak out? “No,” I whispered.

“I figured.”

We sat together in silence for a while before he said, “Are you keeping it?”

“I think so.”

I turned to look at him and found him already looking at me.

“Does your boyfriend know?”

“He doesn’t even know I’m pregnant.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to drag him into this. It’s my fault.”

“No, I know why you’re not telling him. But why are you keeping it?”

“I don’t know. It feels wrong to abort. What if it ends up being another brilliant squash player?”

I looked at him again.

“We have to tell her at some point,” he said. “I can’t lie to someone living under the same roof as me. Not forever.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll handle it. We should have told her earlier, when it happened. But better late than never. Anyway, I'll tell her. It’s my fau..”

“The hell it’s your fault. I should have used protection!”

“Sshh. She’ll hear us. And, it doesn’t matter now. We’ll figure something out.”

“I’m so, so sorry, Preethi.”

“It’s not your fault. We were drunk. And it takes two. I didn’t even expect you to be so nice about it… I mean offering to drive me to the clinic and all.”

“Yes, well… mom’s brought me up well.”

“You better go. I’ll talk to Anna. Don’t you dare think about telling your mother.”

“Ok.”

As he left, his sister walked in. “Ok, so here’s what we’re gonna do….” she began. I lost track of her, deep in my own thoughts about the universe and babies and encounters with friends’ older brothers.